The Top 14 New Features in Windows

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14> With optional metal probe, Microsoft's "Explorer" now explores more than just web sites.

13> Recycle Bin inexplicably replaced with an angry monkey.

12> Built-in Excel macro calculates *exactly* how many times Bill Gates can buy your sorry ass.

11> Calls your mother every time you log into porn sites.

10> Now incompatible with *all* hardware and software, instead of just the ones that I buy.

9> Crumple zones!

8> New "No Monopoly To See Here" background featuring a scrolling "Gee you're looking very lovely today, Ms. Reno" message and a dewy-eyed Bill Gates cursor.

7> Helpfully locates and destroys all non-Microsoft software on your computer.

6> Illegal operation error message now includes WAV file saying, "I can't do that, Dave."

5> Final installation screen displays the message: "Thank you for upgrading to Windows 2000. Windows will now restart your machine and render your programs useless."

4> First 3,500 customers to purchase Windows 2000 receive 12 free hours of antitrust litigation from Microsoft lawyers!

3> Crashes *twice* as fast as Windows 98!

2> New "Gatesland, Gatesland uber alles" welcome screen.

1> Free technical support until 1901!

[ The Top 5 List ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]




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