Rules for Female AOL'ers

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1. Before deciding you're falling in love, with a man you meet on AOL, and you tell him your bra size and other measurements, be sure he's not your long lost cousin, who used to live in the Ozarks and boil his own soap, but now has a corner office and works for IBM.

2. When receiving IM's, from strange men, late at night, you should always check for a profile before you chat with them. The only place people like Ted Bundy will have a profile, is the FBI serial killer database. So, if he doesn't have a profile, beware!

3. Don't read or answer any e-mail, that sends you a link to any web site with a name like "www.vibrator4u.com."

4. Make up witty answers to the proverbial, "So, what do you do for a living?" that come out of the blue from a man in chat. If you don't care to respond to this question honestly, good responses are, "I seal envelopes at home; I'm up to 15 a day now!" or "I run a coven of witches, out of a small cave, near the Delaware coast" or "I'm the person who walks behind elephants at the circus." It just makes chat so much more fun!

5. Watch out for .wav files with names like "bendover.wav" and "lemmedoU.wav" from men you don't know!

6. When instant messaging an old boyfriend, who broke your heart, but whom you found in the member directory, it's best to NOT start the IM off with, "you fu**ing a**hole, rats love cheese, I'll bet you're having Brie right now!"

7. Have a picture of "Mimi" from Drew Carey available in your collection of .GIFs. Send this to the cyber freaks, who won't leave you alone and tell them it's you.

8. Respond to everything a "jerk" says with, "...not listening, day dreaming about homicide." Keep listing this as a response. It will drive them nuts.

9. If you REALLY meet a nice guy on AOL, call a private detective. Chances are, it's a 'cover" in the Witness Protection Program.

10. And finally, install a second phone line and keep it free. Forget about other people needing to call you...you really need it for the day you might want to order a pizza without having to sign off.




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