Never Piss Off the Sysadmin

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Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to
her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!
Dear Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic
expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect
that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying
harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I
can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything
I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time,
but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network
computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself
and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of
cut and paste for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary
still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate
you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this
will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has
more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day,
shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look
about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually
have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent
will cover for your glaring ineptitude.
In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that
everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the
Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you
getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation,
however I have a few parting thoughts. 1. When someone calls you in reference to
employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you
can say to hurt me is I prefer not to comment. I will have friends randomly call
you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would
be unable to do it on your own. 2. I have all the passwords to every account on
the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years.
If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your favorites list, which I
conveniently saved when you made me back up your useless files. I do believe
that terms like Lolita are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to take pictures of your Mother's
birthday, you neglected to mention that you were going to take nude pictures of
yourself in the mirror. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you
really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce
bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places
pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell
check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk
by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted
repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.
Never fuck with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you
do with all that free time!
Wishing you a grand and glorious day
Cecelia




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