Microsoft Marketing Algorithm

---

/*

* Microsoft marketing algorithm.

*/

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */

#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)

#define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE

#define next_year soon

#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()

{

if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)

{

if (there_are_still_bugs)

market(bugfix);

if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)

raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);

}

while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)

{

make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in

lie.h */

if (rumours_grow_wilder)

make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);

if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)

{

market_time=ripe;

say("It will be ready in one month);

order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);

order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);

order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);

vapourware = TRUE;

break;

}

}

switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)

{

case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:

say("It will be ready in", today + 30_days, " we're just

testing");

break;

case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:

say("Yes it will work");

ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);

pretend(there_is_no_problem);

break;

case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:

say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"

" the 32 bits architecture");

inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");

inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memory chip plant"

"'because all those customers will need at least 32 megs");

inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");

get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);

break;

case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:

say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for

everyone");

register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);

when(time_is_ripe)

{

arrest(journalist);

brainwash(journalist);

when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)

{

order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");

release (journalist);

}

}

break;

}

while (vapourware)

{

introduction_date++; /* Delay */

if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)

break;

say("It will be ready in", today + ONE_MONTH);

}

release(beta_version)

while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)

{

bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks;

release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);

introduce(more_memory_requirements);

if (customers_report_installation_problems)

{

say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");

if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)

{

ignore(customer);

order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this guy");

}

}

if (there_is_another_company)

{

steal(their_ideas);

accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);

hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */

wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);

buy_out(other_company);

}

}

/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry

at us */

order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy);

buy(nice_little_island);

hire(harem);

laugh_at(everyone,

for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);

}

void bugfix(void)

{

charge(a_lot_of_money)

if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)

say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");

if (still_complaints)

{

ignore(customer);

register(customer, big_Bill_book);

/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!! */

}

}




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