Making the most of your IT department

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From the Geek:

1. When IT say they're coming right over, log out and go for
coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 700 network passwords.

2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to
leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures,
stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's
art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch
a fleeting glimpse of yours.

3. When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at
once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.

4. When an IT professional is eating lunch at his desk, walk
right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond
immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to
think about fixing computers.

5. When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside
having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why
we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users
who don't have email or a telephone line.

6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it
up and flags it as a rush delivery.

7. When you call a helpdesk engineer's direct line rather than
the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting that says he's
on holiday for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24
hours before you send an email straight to the director because
no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common
courtesy.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support.
There's electronics in it, right?

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call the
helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here.

10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair
in IT. Leave no name, no phone number, and no description of the
problem. We love a good mystery.

11. When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you
through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually
mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

12. When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't
bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20
times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for
no reason.

14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the
job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to
work.

15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel
free to go around and update the network drivers for yourself
and your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we
have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.

17. When you have an IT bod fixing your computer at a quarter to
one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when
slightly dizzy .

18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

19. When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you've installed
any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business
what you've got on your computer.

20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of
your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse
cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top
of them.

21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on
the network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a
pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of
Coke under the keys.

22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on
that 'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure,
you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing
about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area
of professional expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the
helpdesk. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex
task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only
by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear
physics.

25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your
secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of
having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything
about the problem.

26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as
a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space
and processor capacity on that mail server.

27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into
smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to
squeeze into the queue.

28. When you bump into an IT bod in the supermarket on a
Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at
the supermarket on weekends.

29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come
in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer.
We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0
makes your Access database flip out.

30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for
free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so
your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it
because we have so much free time at the office.




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