If AOL Were a City...

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You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were H0T 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.BS-R-US.comThe local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important you are to us".The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his worthless company somewhere else.Everyone on the street would have something to do with porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! while anonymous callers called your cell phone saying "Wanna do it"Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family."Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"Even your three year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really the Earth's fault.Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you'd foot the bill.Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police bashing in your door, throwing your butt on the floor, and kicking the crap out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, bonehead. ROFLMAO LOL!!"You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd wind up studying one-handed typing and annoying acronyms.You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate before sun-up.The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while ripping down the swings and beating the crap out of kids currently playing there. Note:Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies can not get out "for safety reasons," and then hordes of perverts are allowed in.The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU DO WANT AN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no." The voice then replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW".A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient Doom 2 patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04gYour neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.



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