I work TS for an ISP

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I work TS for an ISP, here are a few things that drive me nuts:

Tech: What is your User Name?
Cust: John Smith.
Tech: (searching for user name johnsmith to no avail) that's your USER Name, your login name?
Cust: Yep.
Tech: .. (search for cust acct by last name, find a million Smiths.. finally find their acct.) We have your user name listed as ''wolf231''.
Cust: Yep.
Tech: Not John Smith.
Cust: Yep.
Tech: ...

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Tech: What error message are you getting?
Cust: I'm not getting an error, it just won't connect.
Tech: Nothing comes up when you try to connect?
Cust: Nope, nothing happens at all. It doesn't say anything.
Tech: .. and nothing appears on the screen what-so-ever..?
Cust: Nope.
Tech: - Well.. What happens to lead you to believe that it isn't working?
Cust: It says Error 691, User Name or Password..
Tech: That's what we in the buisness call an ERROR MESSAGE.

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Tech: What error message are you getting?
Cust: Uhhh... cannot connect to you guys because it's not working, is having problems.
Tech: Hmm.. well, I don't think that is one of the standard RAS errors listed in the MS database..

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Cust: What in the hell is wrong with your server now!?!?!
Tech: Nothing, what error are you getting?
Cust: Error 666 Your modem or other connecting device is not functioning! (Or alternately) Error 680, There is no dial tone!

.. Now lets think about this one, I've gotten it many, MANY times. The error says there is no dial tone. Your modem cannot get a dial tone, so naturally, our server must be down. - Or the error says your modem is hosed.. once again, our server must be down. The point being, 90% of all callers assume it is automatically YOUR fault, no matter what the error says.

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Customer cannot read, or pronounce anything correctly. (Examples: Dis-enable soft-war comprehension..?)

Customer only has one phone line, but still insist that you stay on the phone while they try to connect..

Customer cannot understand the concept of having TWO mouse buttons.
Tech: Now Right-click on the icon and select Properties.
Cust: Ok, double click on it and.. I don't see properties..

Tech: Goto My Computer on your desktop.
Cust: Yes, I have a computer on my desk.
Tech: No. There is an ICON on your desktop called My Computer, double click on it and it will open.
Cust: I don't see Your Computer.
Tech: No, it is called My Computer, not literally mine, it's just the name of it.
Cust: Ok.. just a sec.. - hm.. Now what is the desktop again?
Tech: .. It's where the background is.. you know. It has all the little small pictures of stuff that you click on on it.

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Had a customer call, she was having problems install our software. After two hours of her not being able to articulate exactly what the problem was, it ended up being that she had our CD in upsi




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