Martha's Life In Jail

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I'm picturing lovely ribbons winding like candy canes down the iron

bars, and useful storage containers she's built that glide easily below

her bunk bed in which she'll store sheets and linens from K-Mart's

going-out-of-business sale.

The lone toilet will be transformed into a bouquet spilling over with

toilet paper flowers, into which a trickling cascade of water will flow

from the sink in a bird bath-like fashion, in an effort to attract sparrows

through the open bars of her window.

Once trapped in her cell, the sparrows will be slowly roasted with

matches for which Martha will have gotten by beating up her cellmate.

They will be stuffed with acorns found in the prison courtyard. I hear

it's Martha's intention to collect enough birds to offer a Thanksgiving

feast to all those who continue to subscribe to her magazine, even

while in prison, although she has asked that each of them commit

to a year of service as part of her newly appointed staff.

I believe she plans to save all the rolls from her dinner tray to build a

decorative wall between her bed and that of her cellmate, as Sam

Waksal's taste clashes wildly with hers.

Her future plans include melting down the gold she plans to collect

from the teeth of other inmates, with which she will guild invitations

to her own escape. With a spoon she has forged into the shape of a

melon baller, Martha plans to scoop out marble-sized bits of her cell

floor until she has made it safely under the prison walls to freedom.

Any prison guards in pursuit will lose their footing immediately on the

thousands of marbles she plans to leave in her wake, each one

perfectly round.

As a parting gesture, Martha plans to moon the prison. Tattooed on

her cheeks is written: "It's a good thing."




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