The Top 18 Signs It's Time for Your Rock Band to Retire

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18> No longer able to "Rock and Roll All Night" without an entire case of Viagra.

17> Ever since Strom left the band for a career in politics, the sound just hasn't been the same.

16> Your lead guitarist switches to Heroin P.M. so that those after-concert parties don't keep him awake all night.

15> You're still considered a hair band, but now it's because of your ears and noses.

14> Instead of saying "Good night, Cleveland!" at the end of your set, you scream, "Honey! It's time for my sponge bath!"

13> "I'm sorry, Mr. Hanson, but it seems you've hit puberty."

12> Then: You freaked out on-stage because of the drugs you took.

Now: You freak out on-stage because of the drugs you *forgot* to take.

11> "Shooting up" didn't used to involve an enema.

10> Old band logo: picture of giant red lips.

Current band logo: picture of giant sagging man-boobs.

9> Biting the head off a bat now requires corporate sponsorship from Super Poly-Grip.

8> The only people making bootleg tapes at your concerts are from the Smithsonian.

7> Your songs are blocked from Napster -- not by your record company's request, but because they suck.

6> Then: You instructed security to screen the crowd for sweet young things willing to put out for the band.

Now: You instruct security to screen the crowd for sweet young things who are willing to to pre-chew all those green M&M's for the band.

5> You stop outdoor concerts to take a garden hose to the young hooligans who won't get off the lawn.

4> The band refuses to make a video because they're convinced that the cameras will steal their souls.

3> Bad: Your groupies drag their oxygen tanks to the stage to admire your alligator-skin pants.

Worse: You forgot to put on any pants.

2> Nowadays when your fans throw their panties on stage, it looks like the Fifth Airborne parachuting into Normandy.

1> The hot babe in the first row just lifted her skirt -- to show you her breasts.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]




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