The Top 15 Problems With Rock Stars These Days

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15. Angst in their pants.

14. Oh, sure, with the cheap materials they use these days, *anyone* can smash the hell out of a guitar.

13. Addition of that fourth chord makes the music too complicated for enjoyment.

12. Rather than doing 17 year olds backstage, they do themselves in public restrooms.

11. The Beatles used mind-expanding drugs to write songs that would change the world. Phish use mind-expanding drugs to debate whether Mrs. C. and the Fonz got it on in the episode where Mr. C. took Richie to the lodge convention.

10. Too much blood in their alcohol systems.

9. STILL haven't figured out the lyrics to "Louie, Louie."

8. They're not feminine enough. And don't get me started on the *women*!

7. It used to take DECADES before your number one hit was corrupted into the theme song for some bland, inane commercial.

6. We helped stop a war. They help Noel Gallagher stumble to the stage to pick up his MTV Video Music Award.

5. You need a Ph.D. in computer widget thingies to play the friggin' instruments!

4. No one wears codpieces anymore.

3. These kids are spoiled, what with the high quality of drugs these days. No one appreciates the sheer *quantity* of drugs that were necessary to get on a decent buzz back in the '70s.

2. The only people delivering more angst are mail carriers.

1. Earplugs?! Feah! In *our* day, we bled from the ears every night -- and LIKED it!

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

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