18 Short Lawyer Jokes

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What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their
clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the
same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in
sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't
figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked
lawyer?
Chelsea.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to
hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk
are walking down the street together when they simultaneously
spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
.... I was so cold that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the
lawyer's rates.
"$50 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep" asked the man?
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a
country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with
the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few
days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then
stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were
pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here,we could have gotten married, and
the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.




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